100 Best Jokes Ever To Make You Smile Today!

This is a collection of 100 "Best Ever" one-line jokes, focusing on quick wit, puns, and observational humor.

100 One-Line Jokes
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high; she looked surprised.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity; it’s impossible to put down.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I have a pen that writes underwater, and also other words.
I don't trust stairs because they're always up to something.
I decided to make a belt out of watches; it was a waist of time.
If at first you don't succeed, then perhaps skydiving is not for you.
Why did the belt get arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle; information goes in, and then it’s never seen again.
I told a chemistry joke today, but there was no reaction.
I'm so poor I can't even afford to pay attention.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
I tried to walk into a bar, but I got rejected because I wasn't dressed appropriately; I realized I was wearing a skirt.
I'm thinking of getting a job as a waiter; I hear the tips are huge.
I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me pictures of Kit Kats.
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory; all I did was take a day off.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I'm afraid for the calendar because its days are numbered.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
The best time to start a diet is never.
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
I tried to jump out of a window, but I was blocked by a pane of glass.
My therapist says I have a problem with denial, but I don't.
The man who invented zero said, "Thanks for nothing."
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.
If you drink a glass of water, it takes 7 minutes for your body to taste it.
I asked a librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, "They’re right behind you."
Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I don't know Y.
I love telling people I'm a professional boxer; I usually leave out the part where I pack groceries.
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he's a fungi.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
I'm on a whiskey diet: I've lost three days already.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
What is the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
I didn't want to believe that my father was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I have a joke about the human body, but I need to flesh it out a bit.
The only time I look presentable is when I wear a gift box.
You can’t tell time with a sundial at night—that’s when I need it most!
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they'll never expect it back.
I was going to tell a time travel joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I think my neighbor is a vampire, so I just threw some holy water on him and now he's really mad.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth; then it's a soap opera.
I told my wife I needed a safe place to hold all my secrets, and she suggested a bank; but I don't trust the interest rates.
I hate people who use the word "literally" incorrectly; I literally go insane.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
The longest word in the English language is 'smiles' because there is a mile between the two S’s.
When life gives you lemons, just add vodka.
I've only got one word to describe my new shoes: expensive.
My wife asked me to put the cat out; I didn't know it was on fire.
Why did the ghost so lonely? Because he was boo-less.
I am terrified of elevators, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I told my son I was going to shave off his beard, and he said, "Dad, that's not appropriate, I'm only five."
I just bought a globe, but the whole world is spinning out of control.
If you're struggling to choose an outfit, remember: wear whatever you want, you're not a very important person anyway.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes—that way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
I’m trying to organize a hiding and seeking competition, but it’s proving hard to find good candidates.
The best part about having amnesia is meeting new people every day.
I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek league, but it failed because good sportsmanship is hard to find.
Always remember to capitalize on your opportunities, especially the first word in a sentence.
Why was the scarecrow so successful? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I was addicted to caffeine until I realized I was just drinking bad coffee.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
I'm writing a horror movie about an aging male dancer; it's called The Old Man and the C.
Why are there no successful pirate chefs? Because they always spoil the broth.
I spent twenty minutes looking for my phone under the refrigerator, and then realized I was holding it in my hand.
I had to quit my job as a DJ because I couldn't get the records straight.
I wouldn't recommend eating a clock; it's very time-consuming.
I told my bartender I was a mixed martial artist, and he asked me if I wanted a gin and tonic.
When my wife told me to embrace the mistakes I made, I gave her a hug.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Why are elevator jokes so good? Because they work on so many levels.
I got fired from my job at the bank for checking out the assets of my female co-workers.
I asked my wife, "Do you want to Netflix and chill?" and she said, "I'd prefer to Hulu and shiver."
I have an addiction to chocolate, but I’ve been trying to snicker less.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
I’m fluent in sarcasm, but I'm not really.
My doctor told me I need more iron, so I started eating magnets.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes; she immediately hugged me.
I just returned an expensive boomerang to the store.
My friend accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles; he went to the hospital and they gave him a word.
I love mashed potatoes because you can truly make them your own.
Eating soup with a fork is the definition of inefficiency, and also my breakfast.
Being kidnapped is horrible, but on the bright side, at least I get to skip leg day

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